Bent but not broken

To You All,

My name is Eloho. I am a 19 year-old single mother. A title that is a constant reminder of how foolhardiness and naivete come with a grave prize to pay. In my case, it's an everlasting payment. A year ago, I was this innocent, naive, smart girl with abound opportunities for a better future. I had lofty dreams like every youngster, I had grand plans! I secured admission into one of these popular conventional universities to study my dream course; Mass Communication. I was thrilled! Things seemed to be going according to plan, at 16 I was already on my way to becoming a newscaster. I always loved the showbusiness, but I wanted to do it differently.

credits: hdire source

My nightmare started on a warm September evening exactly 3 years ago. I was heading home after a lecture that lasted 4 straight hours. Exhausted and famished were understatements to how I was feeling. Dragging my tired self to get home, I bumped-or rather, a guy bumped hard into me sending my unzipped bag flying in the air with my notes falling all over. Tiredness had put my temper on the edge so I instantly flared up and attacked him. "What is wrong with you?" I angrily demanded. "Are you blind?" I pressed further. He kept mum and his silence just further infuriated me. Fueled by the anger, I made an attempt to push him out of my way with both hands, so slapping both opened palms flatly on his chest I tried getting him to move aside so I could bend and pick my notes which were still lying on the floor and which he had made no obvious attempt at helping me retrieve- an act I considered ungentlemanly of him, not that he had been anything near a gentleman since the bump. Holding my hands firmly to his chest, I peered closely to see his countenance since dusk was fast approaching, that was when I noticed; the poor fella was crying! My heart immediately went out to him. I'm a very emotional person, by the way. I can't stand a person going through any form of pain. My unfortunate cross to bear. Anger was immediately replaced with sympathy and concern in me. I was eager to help the weeping stranger. Hurriedly packing my notes, I nudged him to a closed shop with a vacant bench. We both sat. And he wept. Oh boy! He wept like a schoolgirl. Not used to finding myself in such situations, I didn't know what to do. I felt helpless and I very much wanted to help the poor crying boy. So, summoning courage, I started mumbling words of consolation. I took it a step further- I reached out and stroked his hair, while gently patting his back.

After awhile, he got his emotions under control and the crying feat subdued. In between sniffing air, blowing his nose, wiping his tears-stained face and stifling back more tears, he poured out his heart to me; a total stranger. His girlfriend of 3 years whom he had plans of marrying had called it quits because she heard his mom had cancer and considering that cancer is hereditary, she didn't want to marry into a family with a history of canceric genes. He had lost his longtime gf and was also losing his mom. The whole thing was overwhelming. I tried my best to cheer him up. We talked for about 3 hours before departing. He was no longer choking back tears though he was still red-eyed and swollen faced. His name is Raymond.

He called the day after and asked if we could hang out. I obliged. We met and continued from where we had stopped the other night. I was fascinated by him. We connected on so many levels, we had so much in common. We were both goal-driven and ambitious persons. To top it all, he was a God-fearing person. He drew me closer to God, I now had a personal relationship with God. Before he came into my life, I had a dysfunctional relationship with God.  Overtime we became really good pals. Along the friendship, we both fell in love.

It happened naturally, none of us even took notice! He was my best friend, my confidant, my brother. I practically hero-worshipped him! The three months I had with him are full of fond memories, cherished moments.

Sex was something we mutually agreed to abstain from even though we both wanted to try it out since we were both virgins. Our relationship was strictly platonic and that made it all the more beautiful. But being humans that we are, we gave in to the overwhelming urge and perpetuated the act.  Long story short, we eventually succumbed to basic urge; we had sex! It was a clumsy, disappointing lovemaking session even to a novice like me. After the sexual experience, things got a little awkward between us but with time we overcame the awkwardness and carried on with our beautiful friendship. Little did I know that one night of inexperienced lovemaking would get me; a 16 year-old girl pregnant!

I did not have the usual morning sickness that is usual for most pregnant women. I got my periods regularly. I just noticed I was adding weight and getting tired easily, I never attached much meaning to any of it. I was already 5 months pregnant before I noticed. I fell seriously ill during the second semester of my freshman year. I had to undergo some tests to ascertain the kind of ailment only to be told I was 5 months gone! And all along I thought I caught the flu or had malaria.

I immediately tried contacting Raymond but my efforts seemed to be futile. So I went to his hostel, only to be told that he too had to be rushed home because he fell ill during the night. After giving him the grace of 2weeks and not hearing from him, I sought him. I traveled to his place and I was welcomed with the greatest-no, second greatest shock of my life. Raymond had been diagnosed of cancer! I immediately fainted. When I was revived, I was told in details that he had to be flown abroad for immediate surgery since the cancer was still in the treatable stage. Ohmigod!

That was how Raymond left the country and I've not heard from him for over a year now. Last time I inquired about him from a family member, I heard the operation was successful and he recovered fully, even decided to remain in the States. Start a new life maybe, leaving me with his daughter. Now I'm a single parent, a year behind in studies, having missed a whole school year due to childbirth and the likes. I still live due to the support of my loving parents. They've been wonderful and understanding. How many times did I contemplate suicide? Being responsible for myself and my daughter was the only thought that stopped me from committing the act.

It's been over a year now, I am trying to move on with my life, school-wise especially. I still want to be a newscaster. Some dreams never die. Although there's this hatred that is breeding within me. The strong emotion to resent all males can be overwhelming at times. But I try to rid myself of the bitterness because inner peace comes from forgiveness and not holding grudges. Once again, I can say I am that happy girl only more experienced and with a baby of course.  That makes me a woman! The transition into womanhood for me was fast and all of it is mostly a blur for me.

But thankfully, I have picked up the virtually crumbling pieces of my life and I am making it whole again. Falling in love is an experience I dread now. But then, I'm working on learning to trust again.  Cos love is a beautiful feeling indeed. Everything might not have been all glowingly and rosy between Raymond and me, I have the most wonderful gift of life and she's a bundle of constant joy to me. This is the story of my life for the past 3 years.